While that which does us most harm is invariably that which we most crave, I find my willpower diminishing and my endurance wearing thin each day. I exist solely to find purpose, existence or meaning, none of which seem to be hanging out by the horizon, and so, here I am, yielding to the forces which are far more powerful than my resilience: the attraction of my vices.
They are all slow killers, or so I’m told. I can’t name you one positive that comes from the indulgence of anything which gives me pleasure, other than the mere fact that it does. And so, I cave, digressing from the path of the moral high ground, and I fumble with my actions, stumble around blind, until the light of my vice lights my world up as though I had been living in the dark all along.
All it takes is the tiny voice inside my head, telling me that one puff, one sip, one hand – that’s all it takes to put a smile on my face, and I’m a sucker for my own happiness. It’s only when the high wears off that I’m left exposed, vulnerable, an empty shell of a being that once was human. And then commences the domino effect.
Let’s simplify this. Say you lose some money in poker. You buy back in to recover what you lost, because you’re enjoying the game (or so you tell yourself). And then that’s gone too. And before you know it, it’s all gone, you’ve sold your things to pay off your debt until you have nothing left – not even the soul that desired that very first game. It’s a spiral, and it’s endless. There will never be a recovery. Be it money with poker, be it time lapses with alcohol. And unfortunately, such is the truth of this dire existence.
Once something is lost to you, you never really get it back. It sounds unnecessarily tedious to think about, but humour me for a moment. When indulging in a vice, more often than not, the vice is the liken of an escape, and no matter how dexterous the means, when escaping from one’s own reality in order to feel better, we do what it takes to ensure the vice’s victory over reality. In all honestly, I’ve never thought about it to this extent, and now that I have, I feel caught in a web that was spun from the day I let myself sink into this warped delusion in the first place.
And when the end doesn’t seem near, the only way out is to break free before you sink so deep that you become a part of it. Willpower lacks where faith is negligible, and where, as though a ray of light slipping through the cracks of a dungeon, faith glimmers, the ability to do what they must is found to those who truly desire it.
In simple words, if you want help, get help. Don’t wait until it’s too late, and as they say, it’s never too late. Vices come and vices go, leaving behind a sinking feeling that hope is lost, though it never is. It is as the sun, hidden behind the darkest of clouds, but still shines for those who see beyond the clouds. See beyond the clouds. Find your light. For in it, is your strength.