A little rant because today I choose to believe this is my personal diary.
The feeling overwhelms and it seems like there is no end in sight to the constant ache in your heart and the pit in your stomach. The thoughts playing on repeat like your favorite song on a loop; there’s no escape from the confines of your mind. You’re upset, you’re lonely, you’re unable to find the strength.
The feeling that overwhelms could be anything from the bundle of negative emotions, be it fear, jealousy, anxiety, insecurity, sadness, or whatever term we choose to put to the way we feel. This feeling is your nemesis. You can’t live with it, but it’s not going away that easily. You have no other choice but to neutralize the target. But the only way to make the feeling go away is by facing it head on. It’s definitely not an easy task, but you won’t know how to overcome until you try.
The strength you need to face your fear is inside you. No one else can give you that strength. Any action to be taken must be your decision because no matter how much someone pushes you to do something, at the end of the day, the choice to do or not do it is yours to make.
Despite the fact that you’ve probably been told all of this before, and it sounds super preachy, it’s important to remember that it’s true. You are only as strong as you believe you are. Yes, the strength is inside of you. But it doesn’t matter if you don’t accept it because it will lie dormant inside of you. Because strength, like fear, pain and all those other fun emotions which are causing havoc in your mind right now, is intangible. It’s just a feeling, and with time, feelings fade. You just have to be accepting of your feelings.
Humanity’s favourite coping mechanism seems to be avoidance. Not just of feelings, but of situations. Let’s just not confront the way we feel or the thing which is making us feel this way, right? That’s the problem right there.
Face your feelings as you would your fears. They’re all intangible at the end of the day. They are the stimulus which causes a chain reaction of actions and decisions. By embracing your feelings, you are literally going in headfirst and allowing yourself the chance to get the better of these feelings.
It sounds super preachy even as I type it, and in all honesty, it’s just a bunch of words I’m saying to make myself feel better. It’s possible that sometimes, instead of strength knocking at the door of our battle-ready hearts, we drown. The feeling overwhelms to an extent where survival is no longer an option, and the feeling persists as though a cloud during the monsoon. Let’s face it, there is no monsoon without the clouds and there is no human without the burden of feelings.
The voices inside my head telling me I’m not good enough only get louder when I’m left alone. The ghosts that are repercussions of the choices I have made don’t fade as easily as they used to. When left alone with nothing but the other person who’s been living inside my head, dormant until now, havoc reigns.
My thoughts are all over the place. I can’t sleep through the night. I’ve lost myself to the darkness and yet, it’s the only time I feel alive. Why is being alone so difficult? Why is it that I can’t just be who I am regardless of who’s around me? I’m a different person when I’m alone, and I’m so scared that that’s the real me. I don’t want to admit to myself that I feel guilt or pain or sadness or any emotion I know will strike through me like a shiv to the stomach.
I find myself constantly struggling with who I am. It’s painful for me to admit that there are certain things about me, inherent traits, that I’m scared to claim possession of. They are the more dominant personality traits that I’m always trying to bury. But it’s time I embrace myself for who I am. The voices in my head don’t own me. I am a summary of the thoughts and feelings and actions, and yet, none are my choices, and frankly, I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like I have nobody because my greatest weapon is myself and I need to start embracing that.
Some people may not like the way I dress, and some won’t like what I have to say. I can’t please everyone. I’m not a hundred dollar bill; not everyone is going to like me. And I’m finally okay with that. I don’t want you to like me. You’re not going to accept me because I’m not the criteria of a perfect person to you. You’re going to think my hair is too short or too thin or my dressing sense makes me look homeless, but so what? Why do I owe you any answers? Why do I need to prove to you that I’m a fully functioning member of society because I wake up every morning and put on a mask made of mascara and eyeliner and lipstick and concealer to hide the scars that are my true self? Yes, I’m damaged. But aren’t we all? The scars I won’t show you are the ones you’re helping the world carve into my brain: the scars of judgment. Don’t pretend you don’t do it, because we all do. She puts on a fake accent and he puts on a fake belt. But you know what? They’re happy lying to themselves, so why can’t you back off and let them get away with it?
Isn’t everyone lying at some level? Whether it’s to someone else or to themselves. But it may not always be a bad thing to lie to yourself. I’m lying to myself right now, pretending that this piece of literature, these incoherent thoughts of mine which I’m putting into words right now are going to have any impact on the world. No one’s really going to look at this and it’s not going to change your lives. And you know what? That’s okay. Because it changed mine. And maybe tonight, I can sleep a little lighter, knowing that I’m not solely burdened by the thoughts in my head and that I’m not alone, because now a little piece of me is out there in the world, and even if no one ever sees it, no one can take that away from me.