Someone told me that I talk about him too much. That everything I write is about him and the tone and voice is getting monotonous. And it hurt to hear it, before I realised that I didn’t care. I began writing again because he gave me a reason to. The pain I felt when he left and the inability to accept it even a year later just tells me that I don’t need to focus on others’ opinions; rather I need to find solace the ways I know how, which include me pouring my heart out and hoping that someday he realises how much I miss him.
Don’t ask me to bottle up the pain any longer because I physically cannot. If I could embrace the fact that he’s happier without me in his life then you can allow me to vent a little about my emotions and not make me feel like a whining child because all I’ve ever done is listen to others. I don’t pretend like I’m a saint, nor would I make a very good one, but I do ask that you keep your opinions about my life to yourself because I no longer require the validation that only he could provide for me.
I don’t take friendship lightly. I would do anything for the people that I care about, and even more for someone that means the world to me. I never asked him to feel the same way, I never imposed my feelings on him – then why did he walk away? The answer is so unclear in my tiny brain, whirring away every day trying to understand that what could I have done that was so unforgiveable that he abhors seeing my face or even hearing my name.
I don’t pretend like I ever knew what was going on in his head, but I did love hearing the way he thought of things. I promised my friends I was over him but who are they for me to make a promise to? My feelings, my pain and my endurance – all they do is sit and judge, choosing to stay away from a friendship that was never theirs to judge.
I miss him with every breath I take. If someone says his name I can literally hear my heart start to thump in my ribcage but how can I possibly still feel this way? I hated him for walking away without an explanation – I thought he needed some time and then things would go back to normal but how could I have fathomed that he would create a whole new normal, one without me in its existence.
I taught myself how to be numb for the longest time and I drunk away my woes and it just got worse because I had no control just like I lost control over our friendship. And yes, I was obsessed, but who wouldn’t be? He was fucking perfect in every way possible and I wouldn’t take back anything except telling him that I loved him.
I will keep talking about it because it still hurts and I couldn’t stop if I tried. His existence was my oxygen and his smile was the fuel to my day. I couldn’t picture a world without him and now that he’s gone I just pretend like I’m gone too and walk around like an empty shell, hopeless and unable to connect with other human beings because I didn’t stop feeling for him when I should have.
And if he ever reads this it’ll just make him mad because he always said that what’s between him and me should stay between him and me and I would always tell people – that’s partially why we’re done for good – but I can’t contain my feelings anymore. I love him with the passion of the karma sutra and I will love him until the day I don’t anymore.