Life and other Existential Crises

Inherent strength is brought to light only when a situation arises that requires it to be brandished.

CigarettesInTheSand


I forgot what it was like to revel in life sans the fear of judgement and the constant need for validation dictating my every action. At some level I feel like the happiness I was searching for was within me all along. My biggest lesson over the course of the past few months has been that there is nothing and no one that can show you the kind of happiness that you possess within you.

Somewhere along the way, as life goes by, the negativity starts building up. Maybe it’s the irritation towards a person for constantly nagging you to do something. It could be the resentment you feel because someone got a better grade than you. It can be the unwillingness to let go of a past mistake or even the unwillingness to forgive someone who wronged you. We hold onto things because of our inherent inability to let go and move on.

People in a relationship are a classic example of this demonstration. A person will bring up a fight that took place months ago into a present argument just to prove a point (which is possibly not even relevant) or to put their partner down. It’s not because they feel like it’s actually going to help, but because they haven’t been able to let it go. At some level, of course it is still bothering them, because if it wasn’t, would they really bring it up again?

The truth is that energy, be it negative or positive, has a grasp over humans. The foothold it has established over our actions is undeniable. There is some level of comfort to be found in the habitual feeling of a certain way. It’s unfair to ourselves that we as humans don’t allow ourselves the pleasure of learning from our mistakes and finding joy in not repeating them again. We will find every opportunity to push away that which is logically sound, and continue spiraling until we’re so dizzy that the only thing to do is fall.

Sure, the logic is sound; ‘once bitten twice shy’. But think of this way: you’re denying yourself of opportunities and happiness which could come about with a second chance either for another person or for yourself. Your heart was broken once. There’s no guarantee that it won’t happen again. But how will you know unless you put yourself out there and allow yourself the opportunity to have your heart broken again?

You ask, “Why would I want to put myself through that?” Fair enough. The choice is yours to make. I’m simply asking you, do you not love yourself enough to go out and find something that could bring you the kind of joy you were looking for in the first place? “I love myself enough to not go through something that could destroy me.” I hear the voice ringing in my head. But all it sounds like is pure denial. 

I’ve done it too. I couldn’t forgive myself and the guilt was too much to deal with, so I shut it all out. I forced out friends from my life, I gave up on love and resigned myself to a life of loneliness as a means of punitive realization. But it’s not worth doing that to yourself. I learnt that the hard way.

People want to love you, and they want to care about you. If you aren’t going to give them the chance to see who you really are, isn’t the same as pretending to be someone you’re not? And if that was the problem you had with people in the first place, then why are you doing the same thing? People own their hypocrisy when it’s convenient to them.  

People aren’t bad. Frankly, they’re neither good nor bad, but that’s a discussion for another day. I hate when people say, “What is this world coming to!” You are part of the damn world. You hoard the negative energy within you because of which your unwillingness to forgive someone is causing them to shut off their inherent characteristics and do things in the name of self-destruction but frankly, you all are just fooling yourselves if you believe that you don’t care because if you never cared in the first place, you wouldn’t be in the place you are in today.

I often wonder why this bothers me so much. I don’t have an answer that can satiate, but I do know this much: People are wonderful. They have so much love within themselves to give. Somehow, getting caught up with the ways of the world, the love is overshadowed by the pain and guilt and frustration and anger and it’s just so sad to watch the love take a backseat to actions and feelings born of negativity.

Everyone is bound to experience some sort of a feeling or action against them which has negative connotations to it. But there are people who are able to let go of things really fast. Everyone talks about learning from their mistakes. If someone has cheated you before, you’re bound to be weary of people in the same context in the future. But that doesn’t mean you won’t allow yourself to get into a relationship of any sort, be it romantic or fiduciary among others. But some people actually do that – they shut themselves off because it’s better to prevent the off chance of the repetition of the pain. It’s understandable that people don’t want to put themselves through someone that has devoured them of happiness before. But what if they’re denying themselves of something that can turn into the most beautiful of experience?

Having been someone who ever so often chose to run away from reality because I thought of myself as the weakest of beings, I can vouch for the fact that everyone is strong enough to survive the most destructive of instances. It’s upsetting to see people around me undermine themselves. People are so much stronger than they give themselves credit for. This inherent strength is brought to light only when a situation arises that requires it to be brandished. But once you’ve faced your inner demons and taken control of their power to mess with your mind, you can fully comprehend the extent to which you have allowed someone else access to the remote control of your life.

You are not a toy. You are not a rag-doll. You are not a slave to someone else’s heart. You are simply yourself, devoid of the world, always trying to find the place wherein you attain inequitable happiness. You may be bound by society and the norms it lays down for smooth functioning but honestly, you create your own society. If you don’t like something, you don’t do it. Right there, you’re a rebel for your own cause.

I may be speaking utter gibberish right now, but for whoever needs to hear this – you’re a survivor. Life is going to hit you like a ton of bricks at some point or another, but it’s not going to stop. Life is going to move on, and you will too. You will learn to appreciate the things you have a lot more when you lose them, and that’s what life is all about. She’s a real bitch, but she’s got your best interests at heart.

This is merely a matter of opinion, to be fair. You don’t have to agree with me. In fact, you don’t even have to put this into your own context. But if you were able to find some part of this relatable, then I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one out there who feels this way, and take this virtual hug as a signifier of the fact that you are not alone, and you’re going to be okay.

One thought on “Life and other Existential Crises

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