Is it me?

“I am my own person; I’ll do what I like.”

But when what I like is what you like then I am really my own person when I don’t like me but I do what you like?

CigarettesInTheSand


Sometimes I think the problem is me. I can’t seem to sustain my friendships, forget relationships, and I destroy things that I have going for me. I thought I was okay being alone, and I thought that I could survive the storm on my lonesome. It’s slowly dawning upon me that I cannot keep up the pretence of having it all together and not giving a damn about anyone else. People may be inherently selfish, but they are inherently social too. Or maybe, it’s just me.

I tried it the hard way; really caring about people’s opinions and judgements and striving to meet expectations. I was taught that I cannot please anyone, so I learnt to do things to please myself. Either I’ve done it all wrong, or this philosophy is purely theoretical because all I’ve done is suppress the guilt, the fear, the pain and every other negative emotion that was meant to make me stronger, and instead, tried to emulate the emotional quotient of an Ice Queen. Let me tell you this: it isn’t working for me.

I care too much. I know I do. That leads to its own set of problems, the primary one being overthinking. But that’s another issue in itself. But caring cannot possibly make me so vulnerable to the taunts or accuses thrown my way. At any point in time, if someone told me that I was doing something wrong, the pit in my stomach would grow, and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. So I tried countering the feeling of anxiety with owning my mistakes and learning from them rather than believing that they make me a bad person. I understood that I needed to begin viewing myself differently, because my opinion of myself is what ought to have mattered above all.

The truth is, I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want or what I’m doing. I’m floating through life, about as clueless as I could possibly be. Why am I expected to know what I think of myself? I have a moral compass, but I don’t have a specific judgement of right and wrong. I believe in the perception argument – what is right for someone may be wrong for someone else. But I don’t know whether the path I’m on is accepted by those around me. Somehow every decision I take seems to backfire and have consequences with only make the pit in my stomach bigger.

There’s only so much of the guilt I can stuff in that wardrobe you don’t want to open and sort through. At some point, it’s going to get overloaded and break open. I don’t think that I have the strength to deal with the eruption that is inevitable. I’d rather continue deluding myself to believe that I have everything under control, and that if people don’t accept me for who I am, I need not bend myself backwards to adapt to the person they want me to be. I don’t know if everyone feels the way I do right now; frankly, I think it’s just me.

There is a lot to be said about people being their own person, but at some level, everyone is bent on pleasing people. Everyone wants a pat on their shoulder, that is an undeniable truth of life. But no one wants to admit that their morals have been compromised. “I am my own person; I’ll do what I like.” I admit that I become a different person as per the wishes of the people whose validation I crave. But I know that no matter how much do, I’ll never feel like I’m good enough. It’s sad, truth be told, because I know I’m an amazing person. Saying the previous statement now makes me conceited and arrogant. Am I not allowed to recognize my plus points, if I’m able to recognize my flaws? So many questions about how people’s minds work, and the only answer I’m left with is this: it is just me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: