Experiences help shape the essence of the definition of a person. I write about pain as though I have been through it all. I write what I know, but I don’t think I really know that much. My experiences speak about my character, my approach to situations and the way I carry myself today.
The attribution of my pain goes to no one but myself. How I choose to deal with a situation and what I learn from it lies in no one’s hands but my own. But in the middle of trying to gain control of a situation spinning faster than a cricket ball on cocaine, who would usurp the responsibility of getting through to me. It’s always easier to let things run their own course.
I talk of pain as if I am the ambassador of scars. Everyone faces tragedy, grief, loss and heartbreak. I choose to believe that I stand out amongst the throngs of broken souls because I don’t allow my pain to define me.
Conflict of perception isn’t a rare phenomenon when it comes to dealing with pain. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” they say. But my strength doesn’t lie in my pain, it lies in the fight against it. “Use your pain;” that’s another one I’ve heard frequently. The source of my pain was conflict. Conflict ensues, causing no relief from the pain. As the pain settles into numbness, I find conflict settling over my heart, eager to make the same mistakes over again while my head, drained from fighting the pain, decides that numbness is the new way of life.
It all boils down to how I choose to deal with my pain. I won’t pretend it doesn’t exist, but I won’t let it define me either. I won’t pretend that I don’t feel it pulling me back every time I reach for the sky, but I won’t let it hold me in it’s unrelenting grasp. There will be times when the pain overpowers the guards meant to keep it from escaping the prison that is my heart. And there will be times when there will be nothing left to lose and I allow my heart to break free of the prison that is my pain. But I will never let the person I am be the person who can’t see beyond the bounds of the pain and the territory of my heart. The conquest my mind leads to rid my heart of the pain shall be terminated as I allow myself to feel because everything I feel in this moment was borne of pain.
If I didn’t feel pain, I wouldn’t know true happiness. For no one values what they own lest it ceases to exist. In matters of the heart and the mind, no one will triumph except the human, for the purpose of the conflict is the happiness of the person.
I don’t own my pain, nor do I pretend that it doesn’t kill me slowly on the inside. But there’s nothing left for me to fight against. I accept that the pain is a part of me, but far be it for me to let it define me.